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RELATIONAL PARENTING

We teach through our workshops, as we like to apply concepts experientially.

Here we will explore some of our 10 points a little deeper, and give you some principles and practices to consider.

1. Developing an authentic child

2. Parental self management and self awareness

3. Developmental appropriateness

4. Balanced Authority

5. Empathic responsiveness

6. Quality interaction

7. Coordinated parenting

8. Morality without shoulds

9. Role modelling

10. Knowledge based parenting

1. Developing an authentic child

  • Out of 100, how much did your parents support your unique authentic self, values, preferences, life choices.
  • What did you have to do to differentiate from your parents expectations of you
  • Out of 100, how much are you able to support your child’s (kids that you spend time with) unique authentic self, values, preferences, life choices.
  • What is one thing about your child that is challenging for you to allow/accept/support and be interested in
  • What are cultural impediments to allowing your kids to be fully themselves, whilst being connected

2. Parental self management and self awareness

  • What is your parenting inheritance from your family.
  • How did that influence you as a parent - follow, or do the opposite.
  • How did you try to be a better parent.
  • What do you want for your children, and what do you not want for your children.

What can you do to manage yourself?

  • The way you parent and show love to your child - has an indelible impact on their sense of their own love-ability.
  • Work on yourself at every opportunity-If you lash out at your child reactively too much, this will damage your bond, and eventually make your job of parenting harder.
  • Learn to recognise your feelings when they occur and stop before you react. Anytime you respond by shouting, a nasty tone or with a punishing attitude-reflects your own emotional struggle.
  • Self nourishment.
  • Be aware of your own triggers and why we may act in a certain way, Keep a journal to develop consciousness and awareness.
  • Take up a meditation practice, to detach from our thoughts and emotions.
  • Reflect on your own attitudes to gender and concepts of masculinity and femininity.

4. Balanced Authority

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  • What was the parenting style of your caregivers. Did they differ?
  • What is your parenting style? What is the parenting style of your spouse/family members?
  • Where do you recognise your style as being ineffective?
  • What is the fear that keeps you using the same style?
  • What do you need to change to become more authoritative?
  • What is the easiest place to start.
  • How can you build connection to increase your capacity to exercise authority.
  • Building connection
  • Use communication that builds relationship.
  • Instead of telling them what DON’T want them to do = disconnecting/feels like criticism.
  • ...Let them know what we DO want them to do.
  • How talk to them to encourage them? Praise? No ‘Good boy’ doesn’t accomplish - results in kids needing to please other people. Then - adolescents, what friends think is more important.
  • So appreciate - describe what they have done which is an accomplishment.
  • Better ‘you did it!’, rather than ‘good boy’.
  • Rather than giving an order, use transition phrases to stay connected.
  • From coercion to connection (not going outside till pick up toys) - to its time to clean up. As soon as put on coat, can go outside.
  • Threats undermine bond - teaches them how to use threats.
  • Takes same time to meet their needs, as deal with them when lack of needs.

5. Empathic responsiveness

How to respond empathically?

  • Encourage your child to express their emotions by openly accepting their experience/s and acknowledging them-this is the valuable skill of validation.
  • Developing your listening skills
  • Witnessing/being with your child, not intruding upon or withdrawing from
  • Legitimise your child’s emotional and inner self, through exploring and acknowledgement
  • Helping your child develop their ‘Emotional GPS’ through mirroring their feelings and experience. Reduce labelling of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings, increase your capacity to validate and help your child express their feelings.
  • Acknowledging instead of judging or “fixing”, fosters trust and encourages children to keep sharing their feelings.
  • Acknowledge your child’s point of view, feelings and wishes, even if they seem ridiculous, irrational, self-centred or wrong. This is not the same as agreeing, and is definitely not indulgent or allowing an undesirable behaviour. Acknowledging isn’t condoning actions; it’s validating the feelings behind them - reflecting your child’s experience and inner self. It sends a powerful, affirming message… Every thought, desire, feeling — every expression of your mind, body and heart — is perfectly acceptable, appropriate and loveable.
  • Acknowledging instead of judging or “fixing”, fosters trust and encourages children to keep sharing their feelings.

6. Quality interaction

  • Connection time each day, min 10 mins, just focus on the child. Call it ‘Bobby time’. They know will have your undivided attention, eye contact, physical contact, fun.
  • Weekly date, parent takes child and does something special with that child. Could rotate each week with diff kids.
  • Consistency. Bed time is ok, but higher quality with eye contact and physical touch. Watch video less than actively play - about attention.
  • Their love cup, emotional fuel. Hurt cup want to empty. Love cup, how fill them different at each stage.
  • Will this action strengthen or weaken connection with child?
  • Strong bond - parenting instincts stronger. And child’s tendency to stay connected with us is stronger.
  • Need to be known, be seen, be noticed, be cared for. Only know them by spending time with them.
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